MONOGAMY IS SUCH A LONELY WORD.

By Almie Rose aka Apocalypstick

I’ve said this before, so I’ll say it again, because it’s my fucking blog: I want a wedding but I don’t want a marriage. At least not the way my country (or is it culture?) defines marriage. The problem with marriage is the whole, “‘Till death to us part” thing. Name one thing in your life that you are confident you will love from this point until you die. For the longest time I thought I loved cheeseburgers, then I briefly went vegan. Now I’m back to eating meat and loving it, but I am still surprised that there was a period in my life in which I detested it. However, I think there is one exception. I think that people can have lifelong friends, and here’s why: you don’t have sex with your friends (or you have sex with your friends like once or twice and only because you’re both hung up on other people). Once you bring sex into it, everything changes. “I FEEL LIKE I’M TAKING CRAZY PILLS.” Me too, Mugatu. Me too. That’s what sex does.

I hate people who break up and say that they’ll always love the person they broke up with. Oh, okay. I guess love is not all you need. You think I’m naive for saying, “If you love each other, why isn’t that enough”? Well I think you’re naive for saying marriage vows and believing in them. I think the best way to ruin a relationship is by marrying someone. And now you’re going to tell me, “You’re wrong, I’m married and I’m happy and I cry rainbows and blah blah blah.” Okay, fine. I’m sure that’s true. But what about ten years from now? Twenty? You know those earnest wedding toasts where the young groom tells his young bride how excited he is to spend the rest of his life with her? Yeah, I don’t think he realizes what the rest of their lives could entail.

Here’s how I think marriage should work: it should be like leasing a car. You’re with a person for a set amount of time, maybe a year or four. Then after that period of time you decide whether or not you want to extend the marriage. And if you do, you sign a type if marriage lease. I think that this would help eliminate divorce. Marriage is a contract anyway, so why not make it something you can decide to renew or cancel?

What is so crazy about that? There’s a dude who married a video game character and yet God forbid gay people get married. It’s because marriage is a completely fucked institution.

Look, here’s the thing: I am not saying I will never get married. I’m young and I have no idea what my life is going to be like. I can’t even picture what next week looks like. But if I marry someone, I want to make damn sure that it’s for the right reasons and that I am aware of all the things they do that annoy me and that I can handle it for 10+ years before I sign up. And fuck I want the dress, I want the party, I want the photos, I want the ring. I’m thinking about buying my own engagement ring. Yes, I know that’s sad. I don’t care. Kanye probably has diamond fucking Adidas, I should be allowed to wear my own diamond engagement ring without being pitied.

Or what I will do, when I really find the right person, is to have a non-wedding wedding. We’ll have the party, the dress, the photos but we won’t sign a certificate. We’ll call it an “Us” party or an anniversary party. We celebrate our own birthdays, so why not celebrate our own relationships? Unless you’re an asshole. If you’re an asshole and you’re inviting me to your “look-h0w-happy-I-am” couples party, go fuck yourself.

I don’t know. I just think it’s all so fucking serious. Monogamy doesn’t have to be serious. It should be fun, it should be wonderful, it should elate you, it should be goddamn fucking Disneyland, and if it’s not, I am peacing the fuck out.

http://apocalypstick.com/

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PREACH. IT, YOU LOVELY LOVELY WOMAN!!