She and I fought last night. You know when people say they're about to lose it without really knowing what it is exactly they're about to lose? I knew. I was two seconds away from losing my mind and my senses and my calm and my reason.
And yet I also knew that had I allowed myself to actually lose any of the aforementioned, I would've risked losing more than I could ever bear to lose...
I could've lost her. Her love and respect. Her affection. Her loyalty.
I've never been more guilty to fight with anybody. And it's not fair, really. One day, she won't need me anymore. And she won't miss me. And yes, there are days when I too wish she weren't home and I was free to, in the very least, move. But everything I do now is because of her. Even the way I love my family, my husband, my work, my friends. She's become that benchmark. She's that guiding principle. I guess it's because I know she's not truly mine, that's why I can't really ever impose anything on her because I don't own her. You can only allow her to teach you.
And though it may not make sense to be inspired by a child who can seem like the devil incarnate, I think it's her willingness and readiness to make everything OK that makes her such an example. She teaches me to be better... for her. And for others. By being herself. Even when I've just about lost it.
Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.
***And I was seriously fighting back tears while I was typing this AND listening to this song:
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