The 28 Year Conspiracy

That title sounds like a John Grisham New York Times Bestseller, hahahahaha! (I'm on a Grisham reading rampage, y'all.)

But before I get too lazy or too busy to do this…

 

I just want to say that I truly acknowledge how lucky I am to be alive, kicking or passed out. =)

When I was young, I considered 28 to be the PRIME age. Hypothetically, it would be the time (at least in my 8year old mindframe) where I would have a stable albeit “not-as-high-as-I’d-have-imagined”-paying job, an amazing husband, and the concrete plans to begin a family albeit I kinda got ahead of myself with that last one. And I dunno if I can stress this piece of knowledge enough but it’s true: If you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you to achieve it. That’s some real Paulo Coelho factual shit. Like your mind and body and decisions albeit some are helluh stupid (and I’m totally using “albeit” as my new word of the day ‘cause it’s so much fun to do that) --- they all sort of gear towards that unconscious “heart’s desire” burning within you. So even if it seemed like I was taking all these wrong turns in my life, I guess I can now say, unapologetically and without reservation, I simply decided to take the scenic route when it came to living.

And so here I am, 28 and I still can’t wipe the stupid smile off my face whenever I think about how I spent my last day as a 27-year old, passed out drunk and stoned out of my frikkin’ mind, lying in an absolute coma on the sofa at the club after a blurry trip to the bathroom, throwing up on my sister’s shoes as well as beside our table full of alcohol and bouncers carrying me and my lovely lovely friends using me as a “coat rack” whilst I slept peacefully during my husband’s set which I completely missed, like straight out of The Hangover and after only seeing a few photos, I knew the night was an epic one. Pictures of lastnight/ended up online/I’m screwed/oh well/It’s a blacktop blur/but I’m pretty sure it ruled. And in true GG Marquez, allow-me-to-wax-poetic type fashion, I guess I just wanted to sleep after a long 27 years and wake up knowing that I have the most amazing family and awesomest friends God could’ve given anybody… and knowing (and finally accepting), that I too, was a blessing to others. Even if it took me all morning and afternoon to nurse my raging hangover so I can properly greet my 28^th birthday (with nothing less than a Jagerbomb, thanks to a husband who knows me so well… and doesn’t care that I was drunk barely 24hours  before, we are taking a shot!)

You know Michelle and her sisters, if you didn't know them, you'd think they're your typical "Makati" like girls that you would stereotype as just being pretty and having things handed to them because of the way they look. But they're so down to Earth, and have depth and personality. ---- To Ruth and her husband Anthony… thank you for giving me a chance to show you how good a friend I can be and for allowing me to welcome you to the wonderful world of my family. (And yeah, I should totally work for the Department of Tourism, get this place some REAL money and bring our Fil-Americans back home =)

I think that’s the best gift anyone could receive… to realize how much your life has impacted others, to be an inspiration and a blessing to others. And how by it is through giving… that selfless giving of your true (fun, quirky, happy, and unabashedly crazy) self that you receive. To have people say, “God we love the Callanta sisters!” or say, “You and Pao are such an awesome couple.” or “You’re Psyche’s mom, right?” as if she was making adult friends all on her own ---- it’s got my heart bursting with such fruity bubblegum flavor.

I feel absolutely loved.

So here’s to being 28 albeit I don’t look it and to everyone who’s made My Life. So. Much. Better.

PS. To those who made it out last Friday (you know who you are), I know you're gonna be putting up pictures of me looking like a hot mess, just make sure I still look somewhat good in them and to those who weren't able to make it, like my sister Roni says, "It's Ate Michelle's birthday EVERYDAY" so I'm pretty sure I'll be seeing you all around. Thanks also to those who came out Saturday to Robot and to my Irie Sunday favorites, the Misc boys and our newfound Singaporean friends (Masia One, I crush you so bad), thank you thank you for making my birthday weekend a most memorable one.

To my husband who made it all possible. You're the real game-changer, Waffle.

To my daughter, Psyche, who just came from a terrible flu... I totally owe you a party, babe. I know you were anticipating to go to one.

And to God... for conspiring with the universe.

Doesn't this just make you wanna go out and DO SOMETHING???

Good. Do something good. =)



Of course, I had to ask what "binatilyo" meant 'cause... I didn't get it. I assumed it was angels' wings... 'cause I'm quick to assume things like that, the same way I was quick to assume that boneless bangus was really just a flat fish.

Then again, you don't need to be an angel to do good. And you don't need wings to make someone happy.

Go make someone happy today, y'all. Seriously. I just finished watching "If Only" here at my desk and I was fighting back crazy tears. But that's a totally different post altogether.

Day 46 - A picture that you edited

Taken and edited with my trusty Nokia N82 only now, it has this annoying pixelated eye-sore of a crack in the middle of the LCD that just keeps getting bigger and bigger.

Day 45 - A picture of your favorite cartoon character

            My absolute favorite Sanrio character... next to Bad Badtz and Spottie Dottie.

Day 44 - A picture that describes your life

My 28th birthday last Sunday spent at QC Memorial Circle with my husband and my daughter... hungover like a mother, hair all over the place, and with the highest hopes that my life remains full and colorful because I have these two crazy kids to spend every single year with.

It's probably the only real thing I look forward to when it comes to growing up and old.

Day 43 - A picture of you celebrating

                            Celebrating the very voluptuous Ruth's return to the PI.

(Babe, I promise to lay off smoking the Afghan shit and drinking the Patron from the bottle and to STAY THE FUCK AWAKE to party with you and not pass out after just 2-hours. =)

Day 42 - A picture of you listening to music

                                              Surrounded by lovely vinyl.

Day 41 - A picture of your favorite weather

                                                   85 and sunny, baby.

Day 40 - A picture of your friends

Now THIS picture is appropriate.

(Taken last Friday at 7th High for me and my girl, Ruth's 28th birthday celebration. A beautiful table full of beautiful people and beautiful bottles of Belvedere, Goose, and Patron and there's my beautiful ass wearing the really beautiful lace heels COMPLETELY passed out on the beautiful sofa.)

Day 39 - A picture of your favorite food

(Shoot, I owe so many posts, hahaha)

But yeah, I have a lot of "favorites" but today, I'll go with the fried boneless bangus if only because for a long time, I believed that the "boneless bangus" was actually a flat milkfish. Like... it really looked like that... alive, swimming all flat and what not. It never occurred to me that it was cut in half until I was in college and people would grill "bangus" in foil and I thought "hey, how come this bangus isn't flat? maybe it's a different breed of bangus." and then after staring at it for a while, I kinda put two and two together and I thought, for a favorite dish, I had no idea what the hell it was.

To the virgins, to make much of time

We are going to die, and that makes us the lucky ones. Most people are never going to die because they are never going to be born. The number of people who could be here in my place out-numbers the sand grains of Sahara. If you think about all the different ways which our genes could be permuted, you and I are quite grotesquely lucky to be here, the number of events that had to happen in order for you to exist, in order for me to exist. We are privileged to be alive and we should make the most of our time on this world. ~ Richard Dawkins

Here's to my girl and fellow Virgo, Ruth whose birthday is today... and only three days older than I am but three years wiser. =)

And today, to my husband, who I first met exactly 2 years ago, a hot mess... and with whom I feel quite grotesquely lucky to spend the rest of my life with.

Here's to making the most of our time.

Day 38 - A picture of your favorite drink

Blame it on the goose, gotcha feelin' loose. (And by the looks of this picture, a little sad *deep sigh*)

Yeah it's a tad pricey but it just goes down real smooth. But vodka in general is good. Any which way except by itself.

Just recently, I've learned to appreciate vodka cranberry... after taking one too many vodka-rockstars the other night and was too wired to sleep. I don't know why I torture myself.

Day 36 - A picture of your pet

I don't have a PET pet, like my own which I feed and take to the vet and what not (unless you count Psyche =) and all our other dogs live with my parents and sister and our other Pomeranian is at my mother-in-law's and I've never kept a pet ever since I got my own apartment so I guess the neighborhood cat was the closest thing I had to a pet... if only because it was useful for getting rid of the rats ---like the one pictured above who was happily feasting under my car (and because sometimes, it would leave HALF a rat on my welcome mat, probably for Psyche... as a gift) cuz cats are supposedly sweet that way.

Day 35 - A picture of your hometown

Abington Avenue School

I guess if I had a "province" (not my parents' respective provinces), it would have to be Newark, New Jersey. (Rumor had it that our principal was part of the mafia) Anyhow, those walls didn't look as clean when I went there --- the entire building had been tagged with graffiti. But I miss the old neighborhood.

Day 34 - A picture of your favorite morning

Mornings where Psyche wakes me up to eat the "surprise" breakfast (ok, usually it's breakfast food eaten at lunchtime) my husband has prepared for us. I feel so loved and spoiled every time.

Day 33 - A picture of somewhere you went today

Friday nights are spent at Boomtown Studio, Home of Sarisarisounds.com for The Hangover Club.

Day 32 - A picture of what you did today

Proof-read the September issue. (Yes, that's Erich and Enchong you see gracing our pages)

On top of my incessant blogging. (Don't worry, I'm not online on weekends and holidays so there's your reprieve. =)

Because one man's trash is another man's treasure.

Is there a salvation army type place here in the Philippines? Or like a really good institution that takes donated goods of all of forms all year round? I'd like to donate some of my old clothes and (if my pack-rat hoarder Mom is willing) maybe some old furniture as well. It's always been something I wanted to do, and properly. And though my wanting to donate may seem to benefit me more (as I can get rid of all the clutter and make space for the things I want to keep), I don't see why it can't be mutually beneficial. I mean, you don't have to go far to see that there's a person who might feel better wearing that shirt you have housing moths in your closet or a naked baby exposed to the elements who might fare better wearing your child's small baby clothes. And I don't want to come off all high and mighty and give that whole pretentious oh-how-I-pity-the-poor type vibe but whenever I take the MRT to the office and take the 20minute walk back and I see the less fortunate (is that the PC term?) and I'm bobbing my head to my iTouch trying not to look or pretending they don't exist so long as I don't notice them, I honestly do catch myself wondering what I could do about it. What little ol' me can do. And then I start thinking about myself again and what I need to do and that guilt leaves as fast as a gust of wind.

I guess if I can't be completely altruistic (I don't think anyone truly can be anyway), I guess I can do the next best thing and give people the choice to determine whether they find my discarded stuff useful or not. To give them the opportunity to decide.

So putting all pretense and modesty and that higher platform of morality and civic duty aside for a minute, what I really want for my birthday is... more space for new things. Helping the less fortunate is just a really really really big plus.

Don't stop, keep it movin, put your drinks up!

I don't know how I raised such a... girl. I was such an active little tomboy when I was a kid. And I don't think I ever danced like that for anybody, save for a few vague memories of me dancing to Debbie Gibson at my cousin's birthday party. But most of the time, I was busy climbing trees, getting dirty, bullying my younger cousin and sisters, stepping on bees and putting them into my mud pies, running around like a crazy person and coming home dirty with broken slippers.

I honestly think Psyche will make one beautiful and witty comedian someday. And what a catch she will be.

Day 31 - A picture of food you made

I know you're probably thinking: Ta hell is dat???

Well kids, It's chicken parmigiana ---------> deep-fried chicken breast coated in egg and covered in a mixture of [diligently and painstakingly] crushed salty pretzels, Crispy Fry flour, Crispy Fry gravy powder, McCormick oregano, italian seasoning, and paprika; placed in a pyrex and covered in mushrooms and tomato sauce and sprinkled with parmesan cheese and [poorly] grated queso de bola, baked in an oven for about 15minutes.

And yeah, I just winged the recipe and the procedure.

Obviously, my presentation skills need work. (Not even them Bormioli Roco plates can make my dishes look pretty or even appetizing.)

Nevertheless, my creations are absolute labors of love. And my husband seems to enjoy them very much... and not because he's being polite lest he wouldn't have to ask for seconds without me glaring at him. Besides, I honestly think I'm a great cook. I mean, it's not rocket science, right? Just put all the flavors you like together... and you can turn anything into a casserole. =)

Does the Old Testament justify murder?

You know when people put Bible passages, chapters and verses as their status messages and descriptions and stuff, it's almost always one of those inspirational, "pull-you-from-the-gutter pick-me-upper" type quotes that leave you feeling all divine and relieved and comforted and what not.

But if you can believe in that... can you believe in this, too?

'If your brother, the son of your father or of your mother, or your son or daughter, or the spouse whom you embrace, or your most intimate friend, tries to secretly seduce you, saying 'Let us go and serve other gods' unknown to you or your ancestors before you, gods of the peoples surrounding you, whether near you or far away, anywhere throughout the world, you must not consent, you must not listen to him; you must show him no pity, you must not spare him or conceal his guilt. No, you must kill him, your hand must strike the first blow in putting him to death and the hands of all the rest of the people following. You must stone him to death, since he has tried to divert you from Yahweh your God.' - Deuteronomy 13:7-11

Isn't that a little over the top?

.....

I once read the story "Aaron the Priest" to my kindergarten students... about how his sons got drunk at the church and were killed for I forget what. I'm still pretty disturbed at having read that to them. I don't think I've ever had a bigger moral dilemma than that.

Now is it blasphemous that I teach Psyche to dream of Cupid and to believe in Love? I mean, I encourage her to pray to God and all --- you know the One. The God that created the molecules that formed the stars and Big Bangs and universes and evolved into all sorts of matter. The same God who gave us the ability to think rationally as well as the potential to discover the intricate mysteries of nature.

That God. =)

Hay, I gotta stop watching Richard Dawkins before my loved ones stone me.

Why parents need to work hard for their kids.

Because the appreciative ones know it's not about the money.

And so last night, after a somewhat heated argument with my own parent about finances and "effective economics", I talked with my daughter... the only other person who gives me perspective about how it is to be a parent.

Me: Psyche? Would you still love me and Papa if we didn't have money?
Psyche: Hmm, I'll still love you even if you don't have money.
Me: *muffled sobs* Awww... I love you so much, thank you.

*hugs*

Psyche: But I can love you if you have money.

..............

And that, my friends, is what gets me up and out of bed every morning, despite the hangover, despite the headache from the incessant snoozing, despite the rain and the occasional monotony of work, and the thought of working for peanuts. Because even if she could love me without money, I don't see why she should have to. And if there's one thing I can give my children... one precious thing (next to a good education - inside as well as outside of the classroom), it would be peace of mind and a sense of subdued elegance. That they will never have to worry about money, that they will never feel burdened by it, or the lack of it... because I'm going to teach them the true value of it as well as the difference between "practical consumerism" and "frantic frugalism."

I'll worry about the rest, as most typical, overbearing worry-wart Virgos have a natural tendency to do.

Day 30 - A picture of your favorite quote

Day 29 - A picture that can always make you smile

Typhoon Pepeng - Oct. 2, 2009, was tasked to take care of the office til the guard arrived the next morning so... I had friends over to bring me alcohol. =)

The night of our first kiss... and I didn't even have to try all that hard. Hahahahahaha!

That's why I can honestly say, and with absolute conviction, were I not the happy little drunk that I once was (and still sorta am, whatever), I would:

a) Never have gotten him to get my number at Attica during Play Tuesdays where I was double-fisting vodka-bulls left and right.
b) Never have been too hungover to send him text messages about the types of soup best to cure a hangover thus sparking a friendship via mobile phone.
c) Never have invited him to my little clandestine office drinking party... to drink.
d) Never have had the gall to hold his hand as we walked to Mr. Kabab for some post-alkie grub.
e) Never have told him I wanted to kiss him... looking all whack, zero makeup, frikkin' UP hoodie and gym shorts, #dahellwasithinking.
f) Never have gotten him to marry me.

And so whenever I look at this picture, I smile, pat myself on the back and say... "Good job, woman. You still got it."

Day 28 - A picture of your favorite place in the world

                                     University of the Philippines, Los Banos

See the Humanities steps just behind Oble? I did a lot of growing up on those steps. Coffee and cigs in hand during the day, Redhorse and cigs at night... whilst staring at Oble's tight ass for four years, trying to make sense of it all, IE. Why college boys were dense. Why I failed economics when I was so good with money. Why I couldn't cross-reg Stat 1 at Diliman. Why the only tool I knew how to use was a hammer (Maslow).

I think that's what many UPians underestimate when they aspire for a UP education --- that though classes may be held inside the crummy rooms with some of the awesomest professors, the REAL education... that "higher learning" actually happens on those steps. No teachers, no [blue] books... just you, your thoughts, your fellow learners, and Oblation's ass.

Day 27 - A picture of your favorite night

Man, this was tough. But one night I remember was at Fernandina Suites where me and my sisters and our friends just DECIDED to get a room and get WRECKED... and we didn't have to clean up after ourselves afterwards. I guess a lot of great nights aren't really at the club. Just being around people who are fun to be with, to get smashed with, to go crazy with... those are nights I like the most. =)

Day 26 - A picture of something that means a lot to you

                 (L-R: Contributor Roni Callanta, me, our EIC Ms. Armin, and CEO Ms. Belle)

Who run the world?
Girls.

........

You know how they say "three's a charm"? Well from being a kindergarten teacher to an online Korean english teacher, I finally landed an editorial assistant's position at Gadgets Magazine after an unsuccessful --though fortunate-- attempt at MMPI (which only had an opening for their local entertainment mag). From editorial assistant to lifestyle editor to associate editor -- and this month, I'll be going on my 5th year.

Though admittedly, my job is one of those high-perk/low-paying types so there's really no way you can become a 20-something millionaire in my line of work. But the perks, I think, are more than what money can buy. For one, I get to do what I love and write. Second, I get to review GADGETS. Then there's the flexi-time, the homey feel of our office and the fact that it's in QC and 10minutes away from my place, my ridiculous colleagues, the non-existence of firewalls, the free trips abroad, the creative freedom, and just the right amount of glitz and glam that comes with the job minus the "celebrity-superficialities".

It's a place where my opinions matter... even I'm not all that tech-savvy. Where I can be taken seriously and respected as an efficient boss and still be the girl you'd wanna have a drink with at the end of the night. It doesn't eat away at the quality time I have to spend for my family and I can bring my kid to work... and have colleagues ready to baby-sit her at the drop of a hat.

And of course, I don't get too stressed and end up looking like sh*t and older than I really am. Because honestly, the only real overtime I do is when I have to attend an evening media affair and there's free alkie... and I don't wanna go just yet until I've had my fill. =)

(Photo taken at the 9th Gadgets Magazine Anniversary party... where I got plastered off the free vodka.)

AND JUST THIS MORNING...!!!!

Our beloved, fashion-forward, tech-trendy CEO gave me AN ENTIRE DUFFEL BAG OF PRETTY LITTLE DRESSES, mostly from SALABIANCA and K&CO., all in pristine condition!!! *melts*

I mean... WHO DOES THAT????? Seriously.

LOCA PEOPLE

When I came to Spain
And I saw people partying
I thought to myself
"What the fuck?"

It makes absolutely no sense but it's frikkin' wild.

And this is exactly why I want to speak Spanish and go to Spain.

Day 25 - A picture of you from last year

Taken at Phuket, Thailand where I spent a week with my sister vacationing last August. God love Emirates and ID 90 flights and my beautiful flight attendant of a sister, Mika. Must maximize all of her discounts before she decides to quit her job. (Gotta go back to Jersey and see the old neighborhood. =)

Day 24 - A picture of someone you miss

The UP Socius brods and sisses after I had just given birth

My college buddies and orgmates: Dre, Monna, GJ, Guise. These were the four who saw the actual pains of my growing up. Everything that came afterwards was really just a product of how I learned from my experiences back then. And since they know me LIKE REALLY KNOW ME... there's no room for bullshit with them. They're brutally and hilariously honest. Critical but not condescending. They'll never let you get anything to your head. And they have absolutely brilliant minds. I learned so much about life just by being around them.

I miss being myself around them.

LIFT OFF

We gon’ take it to the moon, take it to the stars
How many people you know can take it this far?
I’m supercharged
I’m ’bout to take this whole thing to Mars

***Just let me get through this week so I can concentrate on turning 28.

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Day 23 - A picture of your favorite book

This was my first copy when I was 10years old. After reading it, every other book I borrowed from the library was a mythology book. I'd lost the book while I was in the States.

My husband gave me his copy while we were still dating.

In one of our lovely email exchanges, he wrote, "You really deserve it more than I do. The copy you had when you were younger was a really nice copy. I know my tattered old high school paperback doesn't even hold a candle to it. But i hope it inspires you to read the book a million times more. You will definitely tell Psyche the history of her name, and SHE will tell you how HER name will make history."

I still read it everyday (if only in the bathroom *giggles*)

So last night, I climbed into Psyche's bed and told her the story of Psyche and Cupid, my favorite love story.

She then asked me where Cupid was and I told her he would come if she prayed.

So we prayed. And she said:

Dear God,
Make me a good girl.
Take care of me.
Protect me.
Don't let mama be mad at me.
And thank papa for the light [her nightlight].

And let Cupid find me.

Amen.

Day 22 - A picture of something you never leave the house without

I can forget my wallet. I can forget my phone. I can forget my money. Sometimes, I don't even care if I forget those things. But my bag (despite the missing contents) I can never forget to bring. I'll lug it around everywhere, even if it doesn't match my formal outfit and looks absolutely... big and weighs me down. I'm just not secure if I don't have my pen, eye-mo, pressed powder, dental floss and other seemingly useless things... handy. Sometimes, I'd stuff an entire bag of Lays in my bag and lug it around. Or hide bottles of redbull. It's my happy little Dibo the dragon magical gift bag.

That's also why I think clutches suck. Can't put anything in them.

......

And yes, I'm wearing the Miscellaneous t-shirt available at Team Manila. =)

Day 21 - A picture of something you wish you could forget

There aren't a lot of things I would actually want to forget or I haven't learned to forget already. The bad things... the things that used to be so frighteningly vivid become these distant outside pictures in my head, like things you'd seen in a movie, completely detached from you in way and connected only by the sort of empathy you might have felt for the character that WAS you only you're not that person anymore.

Did that make sense?

I guess if there's one thing I'd like to forget (and it's not the person in the picture above), it would be how fast a life can easily be taken away from you. And people don't fully fathom the repercussions that are left behind when someone passes. The hurt that's left, the creeping emptiness... its inevitability.

These were the lovely bones that had grown around my absence. The connections, sometimes tenuous, sometimes made at great cost, but often magnificent, that happened after I was gone. And I began to see things in a way that let me hold the world without me in it.

(We miss you, Mark.)

Day 20 - A picture of somewhere you'd love to travel

It was hard so... f*ck it. I choose these two.

Maldives with my husband and Ibiza, Spain with fam, friends and party-freaks.

Was never all that "tourist-y" of a person anyway. I wanna go to a place and become ONE with my surroundings... to feel, smell, taste, touch it and not just capture it with a camera and move onto the next picture-worthy monument.

I would like to see Stonehenge someday.

Day 19 - A picture of something you love to do

Although... I honestly don't think I have the heart to do it [as much] anymore. Like literally. My heart starts to hurt after too much drinking...

Or is it drinking too fast? *shrugs*

I just need to learn to:

Pace
Drink water
Like other drinks that are less... potent.

Live your life and stay young on the floor.

Day 18 - A picture of the sexiest woman alive

Here's to full-figured women who aren't afraid to eat. (Hahahahahaha yeah I'm totally channeling Monica Belluci, I don't care, she's frikkin' hot and I want to look like her when I grow up.)

More cushion for the pushin'.

.....

And here's a picture of the sexiest woman... NOT alive.

“This life is what you make it. No matter what, you’re going to mess up sometimes, it’s a universal truth. But the good part is you get to decide how you’re going to mess it up. Girls will be your friends - they’ll act like it anyway. But just remember, some come, some go. The ones that stay with you through everything - they’re your true best friends. Don’t let go of them. Also remember, sisters make the best friends in the world. As for lovers, well, they’ll come and go too. And babe, I hate to say it, most of them - actually pretty much all of them are going to break your heart, but you can’t give up because if you give up, you’ll never find your soul mate. Just because you fail once, doesn’t mean you’re gonna fail at everything. Keep trying, hold on, and always, always, always believe in yourself, because if you don’t, then who will, sweetie? So keep your head high, keep your chin up, and most importantly, keep smiling, because life’s a beautiful thing and there’s so much to smile about.”

— Marilyn Monroe

Because admitting to life's frailties and seeing the beauty in perseverance is very, very SEXY.

Day 17 - A picture of something that has made a huge impact on your life recently

                                                Mr. and Mrs. Paolo Toledo

***And no, we didn't get married in New Zealand (my intern made it look like we did though).

Day 16 - A picture of someone who inspires you

She and I fought last night. You know when people say they're about to lose it without really knowing what it is exactly they're about to lose? I knew. I was two seconds away from losing my mind and my senses and my calm and my reason.

And yet I also knew that had I allowed myself to actually lose any of the aforementioned, I would've risked losing more than I could ever bear to lose...

I could've lost her. Her love and respect. Her affection. Her loyalty.

I've never been more guilty to fight with anybody. And it's not fair, really. One day, she won't need me anymore. And she won't miss me. And yes, there are days when I too wish she weren't home and I was free to, in the very least, move. But everything I do now is because of her. Even the way I love my family, my husband, my work, my friends. She's become that benchmark. She's that guiding principle. I guess it's because I know she's not truly mine, that's why I can't really ever impose anything on her because I don't own her. You can only allow her to teach you.

And though it may not make sense to be inspired by a child who can seem like the devil incarnate, I think it's her willingness and readiness to make everything OK that makes her such an example. She teaches me to be better... for her. And for others. By being herself. Even when I've just about lost it.

Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.

***And I was seriously fighting back tears while I was typing this AND listening to this song:

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