Donkey Kong

I want my colon cleaned.

Seriously.

....

See, last sunday, I was diagnosed with costochondritis... WTF, right?... which simply means the inflammation of the ribs. So apparently, the sharp, stabbing pains pulsing from the right side of my body was due to that. Now how do frikkin' ribs get inflammed?!

Then I began to google more about it and realized that you can get it from physical injury. Now I didn't fall on my side... and I certainly didn't get it from (as Ruth so eloquently put it) "crazy monkey sex". I figured the only real strenuous physical activity I underwent which could've caused it was my "Fat-Burning Dance Party" DVD exercise routine, as taught by Jennifer Galardi.

She taught me to salsa, cha cha, and party funk.

What a tragedy. Now I need another new year's resolution.

There goes that diet plan.

.....

The following day, I had an appointment with Amezcua Spa along Katipunan for my feature article regarding their services. I was treated to a Dead Sea Salt and Peppermint Body Scrub and a 90minute Hilot, not to mention a 30minute prep to the jacuzzi, steam bath, and sauna.

All of which was f*cking awesome.

Then I had to return again yesterday for my medical checkup (as Amezcua is a MEDICAL SPA) and learned about all sorts of things in my body I never had.

Like microbes.

Gross.

(Ok, I know we've got em but it's just different when you can see them moving around under a microscope.)

I got a live blood analysis and it showed that my blood cells were HELLUH abnormal. Apparently, from the drop of blood they took from my finger, they figured out that I:

-had poor blood circulation
-liver stress
-had few metals in my body
-uric acid crystals
-and that my white blood cells were currently (during time of checkup) battling those microbes I got from skipping meals

(That's why I hate doctors.)

Luckily, they didn't see any red or black crystals (which supposedly means my 13years of smoking was taking its toll on me).

I was given a diet plan of fruits for breakfast, anything for lunch all the way up to an early dinner, then only fruits or vegetables come past 5pm. Of course, I take anything as not really anything because I'm supposed to cut down on fat, fried, dairy, and nuts (and yeah alcohol)... and to drink more yakult for those live micro-organisms and probiotics.

And my costochondritis prevents me from taking caffeine.

*shrugs*

Oh and FYI, I have completely cut rice out of my diet. I'm on week three. Furrealz.

...


I also got "cupped" yesterday. Yeah. It hurt. 24 cups sucking on your back and "energy meridians". My back looked like I was some creature out of the movie "Species" (y'all remember that movie? Wasn't that Rebecca Romjin-Stamos?)

Anyhow,

On a more positive note (according to my chinese cupping interpreter doctor), that I had a relatively positive "chi" save for my being a bit of a worrywart and some whack hormonal dysfunction ----- (so you see Paolo, I'm not completely crazy out of my own volition =)

But I still look like a reptile.

*shrugs*

....

I was told if you get your colon cleaned, you lose about 1.5lbs per session whilst removing toxins from your body. They shove pressurized lukewarm water up your a** and clean that sh*t (literally) for a good 45minutes.

Dang.

I think I would really appreciate this for my birthday. (And no, love, I am not addressing this to you so you need not feel pressured to get me this =)

Or perhaps I should get this for my boyfriend instead so he won't be so iffy when it comes to me shoving anything else up his a**hole. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! (Cuz I'm a freak like dat!) ---

He's gonna so hate me right now, LOL!

***Disclaimer: I have not put or shoved anything inside my boyfriend's rectum as he so violently refuses my offers and advances. However, this is a personal fantasy and wish of mine and I will keep insisting until I get what I want... Which probably won't be anytime soon. *sigh*

....
....
....

On a less sexually freaky note:

It's almost 10am. I just had watermelon for breakfast. I have 2hours left before I can eat my tupperware lunch of half grilled chicken fillet and 3 baby potatoes.

My tummy is grumbling. =(

But this healthy living sh*t is so ON.