FUCK.

Fuck I wanna rant.

Now I know I know our police officers here are disgustingly underpaid but GOD. Who takes up rigorous training to uphold the law, to protect its citizens... AND NOT FUCKING DO IT????

Shit. The fucking nanny did a better job acting on her civil duties!

And you know what's fucking sad?

When people tell me to NOT go to the police anymore, that it would just be a waste of time, that they might even be in on these burglaries. And I don't wanna think that about anyone since I don't wanna generalize but fuck.

And yes I know WE SHOULD MOVE but doesn't anybody understand that money doesn't grow on trees and houses don't just fall on your lap when you wish for it and Pao and I were NOT raised to leech off of our parents or off anyone and that any charitable gesture given to us is taken with the utmost humility (if not almost immediately turned down).

And what the fuck is up with cops wanting a fucking hand-out???

Like SERIOUSLY????? It fucking pisses me off!!! And I'm sorry we all got problems but shit. Man, I dunno. I really don't know anymore.

You know... the only time (and I was only able to truly recognize this now after the last incident of getting burglarized)... the only time I ever cared enough about money... or to even give it some serious value... is when I see how I can't seem to buy my daughter the things she wants. Of course, I know I give her what she needs and what she doesn't need is another Barbie doll but it just breaks my heart when I have to explain to her that Pao and I have to make more money. I know I would never want to spoil my kids but sometimes I think, why can't she have a Barbie? Why can't kids have what they want? Parents should work hard to give their kids what they want. I'd have wanted a Barbie. It may not seem all that logical now because adults don't play with toys anymore but to Hell if as an adult we can honestly say we've never wanted anything for just the sheer fuck of it. Shit, some of the things we want now cost more than just money and little do we know (or care) we're paying with our own integrity.

Fuck.

Case in fucking point: those two fuckers who had the AUDACITY to try to break into our apartment in the middle of the fucking day.

And now... I can't even give my daughter a safe home.

And this makes me mad. And I don't wanna fall into some stupid pit of despair because I KNOW HOW BLESSED I AM (fuckers wouldn't be trying to steal from us if we weren't blessed) but SHIT.

That's all I have to say.

.....

I'm sorry if this has a lot of the word "fuck" in it. To the administrators of multiply, I hope y'all understand.

THE ONLY THING I HATE ABOUT CHRISTMAS.

Two guys tried to break into our apartment again just this morning after Pao and I left for work. My daughter and her nanny also left this morning to visit my parents only to come back and find out (from our neighbor's nanny) that right after I left for work (as I was the last one out), two guys tried to open our apartment door claiming I, Michelle (they knew my name), had ordered them to take all our stuff out of the apartment, particularly the computers and such.

If it weren't for our neighbor's nanny (who's only about in her early 20s) and her courage to stand up to them, those guys would've had a fucking merry ass christmas with all of our belongings.

They're called the SALISI gang. And they're for fucking real.

.....

God please please just keep us safe til we move out.

Serious Moonlight

Relationships... are hard.

And there really wasn't any other way to make that sound any more accurate or profound.

They are hard. And like anything that's hard, they tend to give you a hard time.

But I suppose that's the first thing we all have to understand. That relationships are hard.

And when you GET that, that's when you can deal with it.

......

Of course there are still alot of other things I don't get.

Like... I don't get how you can love someone one minute and completely loathe them the next... or even love and loathe them in the very same minute... like your mind is in this instantaneous schizophrenic break of sorts... as if the molecules in your brain actually TOOK SIDES... as fast as your heart pumps blood to all the gazillion arteries in your body... you want to hold them, kiss them, squeeze them until you passed out... then wish you never met them at all.

Or how you can fall out of love with someone when you can almost swear that it was only yesterday you were absolutely swooning over this person... ready to die for this person... all the romantic little enzymes seeping from your pores like pus.

Pus. An overproduction of white blood cells trying to fight off an infection.

Love is an infection.

*shrugs*

......

I caught this movie on HBO one random day called "Serious Moonlight." It's with Meg Ryan and Timothy Hutton and it was about how they were this married couple and how Timothy Hutton was gonna leave Meg Ryan for a younger woman (Kristin Bell) so Meg Ryan decides to tie him up and hold him hostage inside their house until he falls back in love with her.

It was the darndest thing. She baked him his favorite cookies and made him watch their wedding video and look at their wedding photos... she insisted even after he told her that he didn't love her and that she was ugly and that he loved someone else. There was even this part in the movie when Kristin Bell goes to the house and asks Meg Ryan where he is and Meg Ryan tells her that she knows about the affair and that it was ok, she just needed to clear up a few things with her husband but that she could have him afterwards. The moment Kristin Bell's character leaves, Meg's character goes to the porch and breaks down... wailing and crying... like the whole world had just suddenly crashed right on top of her stupid, foolish little head.

It made her vomit.

I thought about how I would feel if that ever happened to me.

I'd probably vomit too.

(I don't wanna reveal the rest of the movie in case any of you decide to check it out.)

But yeah. I guess... I'd vomit if Paolo ever told me I was ugly and that he didn't love me. Even after all the other times I had threatened to leave him. Even when I was sure I'd convinced myself that I hated him.

Maybe sometimes (excluding the cases where domestic violence and abuse and chronic cheating is concerned), when times get hard, all you need to do is remind yourselves of that time when you were really really in love. When you had pus coming out of your pores type love.

......

With the "hype" of my "up-and-coming" wedding (the quotation marks indicate I use the terms loosely... or simply, for lack of a better description)... I've been thinking about marriage and its certainties and guarantees and what not.

Like... how does one know they're ready to get married or that they should marry the person they're with.

So I googled it. (Call it cold feet or whatever but I'm not about to NOT utilize the world wide frikkin' web to help me gain some perspective. It's my f*cking life we're talking about here.)

And all the things I've read always answered some half-assed "You just know" type shit... like, what the fuck is that supposed to mean???? I mean, really. Next to God coming to me in a dream or Him actually walking up to me and telling me who "the one" is... one can never be all that sure, right?

So I asked my friends and we had a dialogue and she said... I guess you know you love someone when you know there's something you can say that would hurt them but you don't.

Now I talk alot of shit.

But I don't think I've ever held my tongue more.

I dunno.

So... how do you know, right?

More importantly, would it even make a difference if we did know?

Right now, all I know is that I'd vomit if he left me.

Who am I to say?

This just about broke my heart.

......

......



I don't know anything at all... who am I to say you love me?

How absolutely humbling. It leaves you profoundly helpless.

Girls Night In.

My daughter asked me if she could smoke when she was "bigger" after she saw her yaya hand me the pack of cigarettes I asked her to buy at the store.

*sigh*

I made her promise me that she wouldn't. That she could put make-up on and find a boyfriend, nay, find love, her prince charming... but not smoke.

Or drink alcohol... although I'd probably let her do that anyway.

.....

So tonight, I think I'll give up a night of smoking, drinking, and semi-reckless abandon to stay home and play teacher. I need to be teaching her how to write the alphabet anyway. Then maybe afterwards, she and I can finally use the footspa massager I got for my one year anniversary. I can give her her first foot scrub and massage.

This is frikkin' wild.

All I Want.

I want to sing like Joni Mitchell
I want to go home and sleep and wake up to tomorrow
Because tomorrows could be better
I want to knit him a sweater
I want to cry when she sings that part

All I really really want is an unburdened heart.

BALINESE LOVE

         "I hope you make memory here in Bali." -- Shingo (our favorite "warung" owner)



......

                                            After a 6-hour transit... *sigh*


                                So this is how it feels like to be a millionaire... =P


                                SRI PHALA RESORT (Agoda.com is the sh*t =)


                     And here we are (trying) to get a good jump in on our king-size bed.

                         
                                          Checking out the local fastfood joint.


                                   The beginning of our Bintang Beer overload.


                                                                                                                    By the pool.


            Reading "Isobel's Wedding" (Ketut, the hotel mgr. let me keep it afterwards)

***It's nice to look up from a surprisingly interesting read and see a vast ocean up ahead. No gray walls. No engines. No eccentric hipsters to block the view. Just you, sand, ocean, and Isobel.

                         And of course, the love of your life sleeping soundly beside you.


   Never Hide. (Ok, his Rayban's are real... but I think I make mine look just as expensive. =)


.....

"People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that’s what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that is holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life." -- Eat, Pray, Love

                                                               Love.