90% sure.

As I was getting my nails "did," the technician was surprised to learn that my wedding was tomorrow and I was completely calm. (Little did she know, my serenity was actually a raging hangover in sleepy disguise.) But then again, I've always been pretty calm when it came down to it. It's quite unromantic, really, especially for someone whose romanticized this day for a long time. But as I'd gotten

older (and more practical), you really DO learn "the subtle difference between holding a hand and chaining a soul" and the Beatles said it brilliantly, I just want a hand to hold, hopefully for a really long time. I mean, you're supposed to be marrying the person you love, the person you're supposed to "spend the rest of your life" with --- if you're sure of that, then... there really shouldn't be anything to stress over, is there? Sure, a wedding would make for a lovely show... but if that's all it is then... I guess that'd be something to stress over. I read somewhere you should "marry the right person" as this one decision will "determine 90% of your happiness or misery." That is some pretty scary ass shit. A whole 90%. And the 10% is shared by your kids, your parents, friends, favorite books, pastimes, bars, music, etc. Man, all I'm saying is I'm just glad I got someone to hold MY hand, drunk OR sober. But more so when I'm drunk and shit-faced and in a comatose, and someone who can still find it in their heart to dress me into something more comfortable even when I'm this alcohol-reeking, unattractive deadweight. And knowing that, just that, is what keeps me calm.

So Mr. Paolo Toledo, let's get married --- again. (90% man... 90 f*cking percent, BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA, Happy Halloween. =)

evolution

I've pretty much already accepted the reality that I don't miss writing all that much. I do remember the first time I fell in love with it --- I was 12 and I'd written my first poem... in the bathroom. It was a love poem. I didn't know squat about love at the time, I had a few innocent crushes here and there, but I'd never experienced anything remotely romantic save for when I would fantasize to be the Maid Marian to Kevin Costner's Robin Hood. Before that, I was into reading, nay, devouring Mythology books, Shakespeare (yeah, SHAKESPEARE), and Roald Dahl. That's mostly how I got the glasses, next to all the videogames I played and Jap Anime I watched on the Sci-Fi channel as a kid.

I loved to read.
Then I loved to write.
And now, I kinda have this feeling I can only love something one a time because I'm kinda excited about loving just how to live and talk and socialize and being relatable and not-relatable and personal and up-close. I mean, sure, I do that all the time. But I want to make a conscious, conscious effort of it. Perhaps, it's the new career choice that's made me aware of it. And maybe it's the culture on FB that isn't too interested in long-ass blogs as they are with pictures on instagram. I just wanna be around people and I wanna take my social skills to a whole new level. I wanna just walk around and allow society to envelop me. I wanna go on dates with friends and dinners and lunches and client meetings and meeting strangers. I wanna learn how to listen... professionally. I wanna make it a talent not just a quality. I wanna be someone people wanna be around... once they're around me.

Then later on, I can evolve to being a happy, little hermit who will find happiness in reminiscing and recaps and loving retrospects... all from the comforts of my rocking chair.

The end is truly near.

"From December 1st, we will unfortunately no longer be able to support Multiply in its current form."

....

There goes my journal.

I need to start downloading and saving all of my favorite pictures and blogs.

Starting today.

TRIBUTE

Now this is what you call a tribute:

A devoted farmer painstakingly planted a tribute to his late wife, Janet, using 6,000 oak trees to etch out a giant heart in the middle of his field in South Gloucestershire, England. Howes, 70, and a gardener spent weeks planning and setting out each oak after his wife died suddenly 15 years ago. He planted the fledgling trees across a six-acre field after carefully marking out a heart shape in one half of the grass, with the heart pointing in the direction of her childhood home. The stunning crop was captured in its full beauty after a balloonist sailed over the farmhouse and photographed the field from the air. (Yahoo)

And this is mine... hopefully:

She'll lead you down a path
There'll be tenderness in the air
Shell let you come just far enough
So you know she's really there
She'll look at you and smile
And her eyes will say
She's got a secret garden
Where everything you want
Where everything you need
Will always stay
A million miles away

Vows

I finished writing my wedding vows a few days ago.

I'd known what to write while I was drunk. It literally came to me like an already completed speech, fluid and eloquent. And it sounded nothing like all the wedding vows I'd youtubed and googled. Which I think is pretty cool. Because (and I don't mean to hate)... your husband or wife is NEVER your "bestfriend." They can be "one of your closest friends" or your "partner" for sure since there's a mutualism (prenup optional) involved. But bestfriends --- they're people you share your deepest, darkest secrets with. The guilty pleasures, the unthinkable thoughts, the unspeakable nuances. (Like seriously, do you tell your "bestfriend spouse" about you crushing on someone else? Do you tell them things about your past that you might have enjoyed much to their chagrin?) And you don't have to feel awkward about it cuz you don't share the same bed and have to see them the next day. =)

(Oh f*ck, I just googled "do you really marry your bestfriend" and all the frikkin' sites say "yeah! marry your best friend tralala, the person you most respect and love tralala." *smacks forehead*

Well, good thing I was able to write my vows from memory lest I allow myself to be corrupted by what everybody else is saying. (Sh*t, did I get it wrong??? Am I that completely clueless? Whatever.)

And those are the best epiphanies, I think. The unguarded, outtanowhere, spontaneous ones. It was so clear in my mind, I began to cry just hearing it being read to me in my head. (That was when I wished I had one of those transcribers built in my head who could read back to me what I had just said in my thoughts, in case I forgot my point.)

I don't even bother to edit it anymore lest I end up f*cking it up by trying to be too clever.

And if it's the only speech I'll end up sharing publicly, I'll make sure it's my best work yet. =)

the pains of being pure at heart

The other day I felt like absolute sh*t, I had my hands to my face and I wanted to crawl into a dark hole and just... disappear, it wasn't anything serious really, I just felt during those moments, I hated myself, like really hated myself, and I hated what was happening to me, hated the limbo I was in, I hated feeling the way I did, hated the exact position I was in, from the very coordinates of my existence, I hated being "almost 29" and learning that for the Chinese it's considered the unluckiest number, I hated having to deal with knowing that, I hated thinking that I had to deal with anything since I knew how petty I was being, I hated that I could think of all my blessings and still feel like shit, I hated how my heart was dropping, I hated that I needed to go to bed because it was late and I couldn't sleep and I couldn't just get up and go to some bar and drink by myself at 3 in the morning, and I hated how people believed in me and I couldn't deliver somehow, I hated that I was on Facebook and how not even Facebook and all the friends adding me could save me from that moment when I felt like shit, and I tried to remember all the other times I've felt this way about anything, and I know I have, countless times, yet I hated how the feeling of feeling like absolute shit seemed so foreign and new to me and it was terrible and painful and pitiful and it hurt... and I hated that I was hurting.

......


The very next day, I was completely fine.

And that's usually the case isn't it.

Only this time, I was completely aware that I was completely fine the next day and I was aware I had just about hated on so many things some hours before (also because I was sober when it happened)... and I finally figured that when people say "it's gonna be ok" ... it really is. And that's actually quite scary because then, you're made to realize that perhaps all those pains you felt, no matter how much you wanna overdramatize it, weren't really all that bad.

Then you feel stupid afterwards.

Why it pays to be second.

Good thing I loved Johnny first... and Pao second. =P

Because the best things in life are FREE

"A freelance life, a life in the arts, is sometimes like putting messages in bottles, on a desert island, and hoping that someone will find one of your bottles and open it and read it, and put something in a bottle that will wash its way back to you: appreciation, or a commission, or money, or love. And you have to accept that you may put out a hundred things for every bottle that winds up coming back."

"People keep working, in a freelance world, and more and more of today's world is freelance, because their work is good, and because they are easy to get along with, and because they deliver the work on time. And you don't even need all three. Two out of three is fine. People will tolerate how unpleasant you are if your work is good and you deliver it on time. They'll forgive the lateness of the work if it's good, and if they like you. And you don't have to be as good as the others if you're on time and it's always a pleasure to hear from you."

--- NEIL GAIMAN

The couple who defies death together...

Stays together.

Authenticity over Authority

So yes... I have a new job. A job that will allow me to stay at home and go to the office only ONCE a month for editorial meetings. A job that will allow me to say what I want to say, in MY own voice, and not the voice people dictate me to have.

A job that will allow me to work BUCK NEKKID if I wanted to. Let alone in shorts. The same offensive shorts people seemed really insecure around (but we won't get into that... today =).

But all of that is not even the point.

Because while being non-employed for the first time in 6 years and having left without so much as a backup plan is indeed frightening (and quite dangerously, recklessly fun)... I suppose those type-scares you have to go through in life make it all worth it when you know you've got someone willing to hold your hand through the proverbial "dark" and be the voice you follow as you climb out of the depths of the unknown in search of light.

It's fucking cliche to say my family is my light, I fucking know that.

But after asking my husband to print out a copy of my (emailed) editorial schedule and deadlines (because I no longer work at an office with a printer at my disposal), he goes off and emails me a PDF file of a "calendarized" version of it, which he made himself.

And I just think that's so cool and so random and just so thoughtful. To do something that will make my already easy-breezy life so much easier.

It's such a light-bringing thing to do.

And if there's anything I know and like about being married to someone like him, it's that it feels really really REALLY good to know that this person's existence alone already assures you that everything will be ok, no matter how scary and unstable things get (and since I'm a virgo, you know I'm afraid of unstable shit). Because that kind of peace of mind is such a luxury these days and I'm just fucking happy I have it. Peace of mind.

And a job, of course.


......

I hope people find the time to realize that about someone they love, today and everyday.

25 Things I’ve Learned In My 20s by Ryan O'Connell

For thoughtcatalog:

1. You can’t date a jerk and expect to turn them into a good person. Jerks are fully committed to being unpleasant. Those brief moments of tenderness they give you are designed to trip you up and give you false hope. It’s best to stay away altogether.
2. The rumors are true: your metabolism does slow down as you get older! That means if you’re still eating whatever you want, there’s a good chance you’ll start to gain an awkward amount of weight. It won’t be too drastic but your clothes will start to hang differently on your body and you’ll feel an overall feeling of unattractiveness. Start to be conscious of what you eat and strive to live a healthier lifestyle if you want to get your teen body back. (Let’s be real though, that might not ever come back.)
3. You’re going to lose touch with a lot of your friends. With some people, it will be expected but with others it will feel like a punch to the stomach. No friendship is truly safe in your twenties. You’re undergoing so many personal and professional changes that there’s bound to be some casualties along the way. Don’t worry though. You’ll end up with the ones that matter. If someone’s no longer in your life, it’s for a reason.
4. You’ll be jealous of everyone who’s more successful than you. That’s okay. Just transfer that jealousy into something productive, like working really hard so you can one day eclipse them and make them feel jealous of YOU.
5. You’ll question every decision you make and never feel completely certain that you made the right choice. It’s pointless to wonder though. You’re here now so you might as well make it be the right decision.
6. You’re going to give your heart to a few people who don’t deserve it. Then, one day you’ll come to your senses and ask them to give it back.
7. You’ll see your parents get older. You’ll come home during Christmas break and see new lines developing on their faces. One day it’ll just hit you that your parents are old and going to die. There’s nothing you can do about it, besides treat them with kindness and visit as much as your budget permits.
8. You’ll have a boss who makes you feel like you’re nothing. It doesn’t have to be in a Devil Wears Prada way. The cruelty can be much more subtle. Don’t let them get to you though. They have no idea who the hell you really are and you’re probably going to have their job someday so…
9. Doing drugs is fun until it’s not, until it starts affecting your life in negative ways and leaves you feeling guilty and wrecked. If that happens, you should stop doing them.
10. You’re going to puke in public. It’s fine. No one cares. Just puke.
11. You’ll know how to make twenty dollars last an entire week because you spent almost all of your paycheck on groceries at Whole Foods and drunk cab rides. This lesson in frugality will serve you well.
12. You’re going to betray your convictions. You’re going to feel shame. You’re going to continue to put yourself in situations that aren’t good for you. And then, slowly but surely, it will become less frequent. It might not ever go away completely but it won’t be as bad. In the meantime, stop shame spiraling about it. It gets you nowhere.
13. Loving yourself is hard. Hating yourself is harder.
14. You’re going to hook up with someone who you would never touch in the daylight sober. Just don’t freak out too much about it. Consider it to be your good deed for the day.
15. You’re going to have people in your life who are toxic. They may say that they love you, they may say that they have your back, but they don’t. Get rid of them.
16. You’ll have moments with someone that are so intense, it’ll feel like you’ve been electrocuted back to life. You’ll hold on to these moments for a long time. They’ll give you hope when you’re going through the motions.
17. You’ll always care about your first love. That doesn’t make you crazy, it just makes you human. When relationships end, it’s not so cut and dry. You carry everyone you’ve ever loved into every relationship thereafter.
18. You’ll enter your twenties as a fashion disaster and (hopefully) leave them looking fantastic. If you don’t know how to put yourself together by then, I really don’t know what to tell you.
19. You’ll realize that the Internet can be a cruel son of a bitch but, you know, www.whatever.com.
20. So much of what you think matters doesn’t actually matter at all. It’s kind of rude. Like, thanks for making me believe in things that are ultimately so inconsequential, you jerk.
21. You’ll treat someone terribly. Whether it to be a lover or your friend, there’ll be someone whose feelings you take for granted. We focus too much on whether or not someone is hurting us. The reality is that we might actually be the one who’s hurting someone.
22. Doing “grown-up things” doesn’t make you a grown up. Shopping for housewares, buying a plant, embracing domesticity — these things don’t create maturity. If you’re still a baby who hasn’t figured things out, you’ll remain a baby, no matter how many times you pay your rent on time.
23. Don’t force yourself into loving anyone. If it’s not working in the beginning, it’s probably not going to work ever.
24. You are so lucky to have everything that you have. Stop crying about an unreturned text message and get some perspective.
25. Don’t go too long without having sex. Ever. 

Why it pays to be a stay-at-home mommy.

You get your own song sung to you.

5 Things Remarkable Bosses NEVER Do

As a leader what you don’t do can sometimes make as much or even more impact than what you do. Here are five things remarkable bosses never do:

Say, “I’ve been meaning to apologize for a while…”

You should never need to apologize for not having apologized sooner.

When you mess up, ‘fess up. Right away. You certainly want employees to immediately tell you when they make a mistake, so model the same behavior.

If love means never having to say you’re sorry, leadership means always having to say you’re sorry.

Deliver annual performance reviews.

Annual or semi-annual performance appraisals are largely a waste of time.

Years ago my review was late so I mentioned it to my boss. He said, “I’ll get to it… but you should know you won’t hear anything new. You’ve already heard everything I will say, good or bad. If anything on your review comes as a surprise to you I haven’t done my job.”

He was right. The best feedback isn’t scheduled. The best feedback happens on the spot when it makes the most impact, either as praise and encouragement or as training and suggestions for improvement. Waiting for a scheduled review is the lazy way out.

Your job is to coach and mentor and develop–every day.

Hold formal meetings to solicit ideas.

Many companies hold brainstorming sessions to solicit ideas for improvement, especially when times get tough.

Sounds great; after all you’re “engaging employees” and “valuing their contributions,” right? But you don’t need a meeting to get input. When employees know you listen they bring ideas to you.

And if you must ask, the better way to ask for ideas is to talk to people individually and to be more specific. Say, “I wish we could find a way to get orders through our system faster. What would you change if you were me?”

Trust me: Employees picture themselves doing your job–and doing your job better than you–all the time. They have ideas. Sometimes they have great ideas. Be open, act on good ideas, explain why less than good ideas aren’t feasible… and you’ll get all the input you can handle without a formal meeting.

Create development plans.

Formal development plans are, like annual performance reviews, largely a corporate construct. You should know what each of your employees hopes to achieve: Skills and experience they want to gain, career paths they hope to take, etc.

So talk about it–informally. Then assign projects that fit. Provide training that fits. Create opportunities that fit.

Then give feedback on the spot. “Develop” is a verb. To develop requires action. “Development” is a noun that sits in a file cabinet.

Call in favors.

I know lots of bosses who play the guilt game, like saying, “Mark, I was really flexible with your schedule while your son was sick… now I really need you to come through for me and work this weekend.”

Generosity should always be a one-way street. Be flexible when being flexible is the right thing to do. Be accommodating when being accommodating is the right thing to do.

Never lend money to friends unless you don’t care if you are repaid, and never do “favors” for employees in anticipation of return.

Remarkable leaders only give. They never take.

.................

Did you get that????? A REMARKABLE BOSS NEVER TAKES.

Sheesh.

TIME

The Truth

..."We stumbled on in the darkness, over big stones and through large puddles, along the one road leading from the camp. The accompanying guards kept shouting at us and driving us with the butts of their rifles. Anyone with very sore feet supported himself on his neighbor's arm. Hardly a word was spoken; the icy wind did not encourage talk. Hiding his mouth behind his upturned collar, the man marching next to me whispered suddenly: 'If our wives could see us now! I do hope they are better off in their camps and don't know what is happening to us.'

That brought thoughts of my own wife to mind. And as we stumbled on for miles, slipping on icy spots, supporting each other time and again, dragging one another up and onward, nothing was said, but we both knew: each of us was thinking of his wife. Occasionally I looked at the sky, where the stars were fading and the pink light of the morning was beginning to spread behind a dark bank of clouds. But my mind clung to my wife's image, imagining it with an uncanny acuteness. I heard her answering me, saw her smile, her frank and encouraging look. Real or not, her look was then more luminous than the sun which was beginning to rise.

A thought transfixed me: for the first time in my life I saw the truth as it is set into song by so many poets, proclaimed as the final wisdom by so many thinkers. The truth – that love is the ultimate and the highest goal to which man can aspire. Then I grasped the meaning of the greatest secret that human poetry and human thought and belief have to impart: The salvation of man is through love and in love. I understood how a man who has nothing left in this world still may know bliss, be it only for a brief moment, in the contemplation of his beloved. In a position of utter desolation, when man cannot express himself in positive action, when his only achievement may consist in enduring his sufferings in the right way—an honorable way—in such a position man can, through loving contemplation of the image he carries of his beloved, achieve fulfillment. For the first time in my life I was able to understand the meaning of the words, "The angels are lost in perpetual contemplation of an infinite glory...."

- Viktor Frankl

Mother's Day

Thank you God for allowing me to be the mother of THIS child. I have no doubt in my mind that Psyche Calypso will be one of the movers and shakers of the 21st century.

I mean gosh JUST LOOK AT THAT FACE! That's the face of someone who can totally cure cancer and end world hunger. =)

Hot. Mess.

With my two favorite PR eventscape beauties, JM and Nina in 36C-degree weather and with our hair down. =)

Makes you wish you were a teeny-bopper

I have the biggest crush on Ashley Tisdale because of this.

Hey, I just met you, and this is crazy, but here's my number, so call me, maybe?
It's hard to look right, at you baby, but here's my number, so call me, maybe?

And that's how I got my husband. (Only in my case, it was "hard to look right" at him because I was already pretty drunk out of my wits. =) Same diff.

Why being on top is such a lonely place.

While I've always liked sitting at the head of the dining table, I don't think I'll ever really enjoy sitting "kabisera" when it comes to work... or having my own office or sitting away from my team. Unless, of course, it was a team I didn't like working with. But then again, why would you work at such a place?

And yet, that's not the point nor the case here.

I just feel bad that I have to move to second floor... effective Monday. The floor where all the bosses reside. While my team... my friends... are downstairs and have to resort to SKYPE in order to talk to me, or ask my opinion, or show me something funny on their computer screens.

Yes. I'm flattered. And proud of myself.

But not as much as I am sad. And confused.

Confused that even though I've finally gotten a managerial position, why can't I not be where my team is? (Apparently, that's the general practice -- so I am told -- when it comes to moving up the corporate ladder, you move up some physical ladder as well.) I suppose it's to keep you from getting too close or too personal. But what's wrong with being "close and personal?" Can't people be close and personal and professional all at the same time?  Why is it so bad that I see my colleagues as colleagues rather than as subordinates? Is there some bigger picture here somewhere? Did I miss that part in SEVEN HABITS OF HIGHLY EFFECTIVE PEOPLE where it says the first step to being a boss is isolating yourself from the ones who helped you get to where you are?

I was effective where I was (Ok at least I'd like to think I was/am) Not just as "a boss"... but as a colleague, as a contemporary. As a friend. And yeah, even as a person. I was effective because I was able to appreciate everyone else's strengths and helped them through their bouts of weakness or lapses in judgment. I was effective because I allowed them to teach me the way they allowed me to guide them.

And hell, I was effective because they made me laugh and made me realize, no matter how bad it got, no matter how tired I was, being around them inspired me to finish the next issue. And the next issue. And all 64 issues I've done so far.

I don't get it. And I'm sad. I'm really really sad.

What it means to be ME

Feminine of Michael: gift from God.

Your number is: 3

The characteristics of #3 are: Expression, verbalization, socialization, the arts, the joy of living.

The expression or destiny for #3:
An Expression of 3 produces a quest for destiny with words along a variety of lines that may include writing, speaking, singing, acting or teaching; our entertainers, writers, litigators, teachers, salesmen, and composers. You also have the destiny to sell yourself or sell just about any product that comes along. You are imaginative in your presentation, and you may have creative talents in the arts, although these are more likely to be latent. You are an optimistic person that seems ever enthusiastic about life and living. You are friendly, loving and social, and people like you because you are charming and such a good conversationalist. Your ability to communicate may often inspire others. It is your role in life to inspire and motivate; to raise the spirits of those around you.

The negative side of number 3 Expression is superficiality. You may tend to scatter your forces and simply be too easygoing. It is advisable for the negative 3 to avoid dwelling on trivial matters, especially gossip.

Your Soul Urge number is: 11

A Soul Urge number of 11 means:
With the 11 Soul Urge, much of your thinking and interests relate to the abstract, the spiritual, and utopian dreams. You are motivated toward idealistic concepts, and the sharing of your ideas and concepts with humanity. This number is not one that is giving in a material or a practical sense, but rather one who desires to help mankind with a more abstract commodity such as religion, spiritualism, occult studies, or even psychic abilities.

If you possess the positive 11 Soul Urge traits, you have a dream of the perfect world; you are highly idealistic and inspirational. Your inner strength and devotion to your beliefs are extremely strong. You have a very good mind that is especially well equipped to handle the higher, more abstract forms of thought.

If there is an excess of 11 energy in your makeup, you may possess some the negative 11 traits. There is a tendency for the 11 to produce considerable amounts of nervous tension which is bought on by a very high level of awareness. You may be too sensitive and overly emotional. In some cases, these sensitivities and emotions are quite repressed, and this tends to add even more to the sense of nervousness in the makeup.

The strong 11 is not a very practical person because of the extreme idealism; often, there is a degree of self-deception present. There is usually a rather fixed idea of right and wrong held by those showing strong 11 traits, and with this very often is a resulting attitude of inflexibility.

Your Inner Dream number is: 1

An Inner Dream number of 1 means:
You dream of being a leader and one who is in charge. You want to be known for your courage, daring, and original ideas. You seek unconquered heights. People may get a first impression that you are very aggressive and sure of yourself.

 

Taken from: Paul Sadowski

To my king, on his 29th

It was only after 2 years, I finally remembered the EXACT date of my husband's birthday. =)


.......................


But sometimes, I think dates aren't as important as knowing your partner. Like REALLY knowing him. And because he has become a Game of Thrones geekazoid, what better gift than the Iron Throne:

for my MAD king =)