The other day I felt like absolute sh*t, I had my hands to my face and I wanted to crawl into a dark hole and just... disappear, it wasn't anything serious really, I just felt during those moments, I hated myself, like really hated myself, and I hated what was happening to me, hated the limbo I was in, I hated feeling the way I did, hated the exact position I was in, from the very coordinates of my existence, I hated being "almost 29" and learning that for the Chinese it's considered the unluckiest number, I hated having to deal with knowing that, I hated thinking that I had to deal with anything since I knew how petty I was being, I hated that I could think of all my blessings and still feel like shit, I hated how my heart was dropping, I hated that I needed to go to bed because it was late and I couldn't sleep and I couldn't just get up and go to some bar and drink by myself at 3 in the morning, and I hated how people believed in me and I couldn't deliver somehow, I hated that I was on Facebook and how not even Facebook and all the friends adding me could save me from that moment when I felt like shit, and I tried to remember all the other times I've felt this way about anything, and I know I have, countless times, yet I hated how the feeling of feeling like absolute shit seemed so foreign and new to me and it was terrible and painful and pitiful and it hurt... and I hated that I was hurting.
......
The very next day, I was completely fine.
And that's usually the case isn't it.
Only this time, I was completely aware that I was completely fine the next day and I was aware I had just about hated on so many things some hours before (also because I was sober when it happened)... and I finally figured that when people say "it's gonna be ok" ... it really is. And that's actually quite scary because then, you're made to realize that perhaps all those pains you felt, no matter how much you wanna overdramatize it, weren't really all that bad.
Then you feel stupid afterwards.
No comments:
Post a Comment